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O! Scar on My Heart

by Jan Dulay

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1.
If I fall in love/I run the risk of losing you If I stay afraid/and stay away I just might do the same/anyway I don’t trust a heart/that fades so easily I don’t wanna love someone/that’ll leave. So if you take my heart/and you run away I won’t get it back/it’ll fade away and if I fall in love/tonight I’ll fall apart/just like sand in the wind. If I stay the night/I run the risk of staying forever oh if I stay the night/I’ll stay the same I will fall in love/it’ll end in flames No I don’t trust a love/that’ll fade so easily When you yourself can’t take/that it’ll leave
2.
save your breath now/this ain't what love/is supposed to be tell you what sweetheart/this is where we are/thats all itll ever be i'll break it down for you/this is not me and you/it's me then it's you don't hit your head on the way out don't beat your chest hun/it won't get nothing done/get gone any day now sweetness is dead/i'm out of my head/look at what you've made of me i'm out of my britches/you're scared of "ol bitches"/you hurt and they're coming after you
3.
i'm not angry anymore/i dont think about it like i used to i dont want it anymore/sending all your friends back to you don't scream "attack"/don't yell it back i'm over/i've graduated/from the last/few songs done screaming "baby don't go/just want you to know/everything/there is to know about me" instead i'm screaming "go/go/go/away" i'm not in love anymore/no more rushes to the head i'm not running anymore/i'm not bleeding black/i've been bleeding red. don't come back/don't say you want it back it's over/let's just move on/from the last few songs done screaming "baby don't go/just want you to know/everything/there is to know about me" instead i'm screaming "go/go/go/away" maybe just go/i want you to leave/everything/you've taken from me (2x)
4.
When you wanna call me/don’t/I don’t wanna hear you it’s not too hard to understand/that I don’t wanna see you what kind of game do you think I’m playing when I say no/I mean it/I don’t want this at my door Don’t/I don’t wanna hear this/don’t wanna hear this no/it’s too late to be this way/it’s 4 am stop/tryna make amends/all I hear is the end don’t wanna be your friend/ don’t wanna be ya friend don’t. When you wanna see me/don’t/it’s not worth the trouble it’s not too hard to forget/what/I said when we parted what kind of misunderstanding are we having right now when I say don’t/I mean it it/I don’t need this anymore No/no/no/no fuck it I don’t want to be this way don’t/don’t/don’t/don’t
5.
[READ 11:30] 03:58
Said “how you doin?” what’s the best that you can do/I’ve been thinkin bout it lately what did I do to drive (3x) you away (4 progs) is this how it oughta be/miles between you and me/I can’t keep up sad that you meant more to me/I’m wishing that you never did/anything to keep this love I think ive been driving for too long/where am I going I don’t know/I think I’ve been running away for far too long how many miles did I drive/to take you away from my side/I think I’ve running on my own for far too long Haven’t all the tears dried/heaven no they haven’t died/the masterpiece is running right behind my voice this one I can’t lose but I’m trying (3x) to keep up save it for a rainy day/find something else to say/spit it out maybe this is how it is supposed to be. Haven’t all the tears dried/heaven no they haven’t died/I still want you by my side/I can’t let it lie
6.
wish someone would tell you/how to take the pain away wish someone would tell you/how to look over your shoulder and never look up a name/that you had on your mind and that hearts will heal/only one at a time wish someone would tell you/that quiet nights/only cost so much/as the louder ones and your mind won't stay empty/if you keep thinking about it and that you should most definitely not/think about it sometimes you dont get what you want/but you still want it that the heart will break/and your wounds will flaunt it cos even if you didnt think it would hurt/well it will you body doesnt ask what you want/and your heart never will sometimes your friends wont call back/cos they've taken a side and silence will be your enemy/and your best friend in a fight you wish a lot of things/then some will come true oh but/here's to the most of them/that will never do so its best that you dont look it up/or find a definition cos when your heart breaks/and it screams/dissonance in your cognition you get what you ask for/and what you don't with no permission and you break but you fall again/like you're in remission no i dont wanna talk to you/what is there left to say i dont wanna dwell on this/when/you wouldn't stay here's the part/where/we choose to restart or just part the ball's in your court/but i've got a broken heart
7.
when the dogs come near/and you have some fear don't let go of my hand/i'll lead you through the night bow your heads in silent night/walk on your feet, with bruising speed gather your friends/that's all that you need. reach your hand up to the skies/scream and scream all through the night the void it listens/listens to your fright. when the end is near/and you have some fear don't think about the rest/i'll meet you at the light. (ooooooh) when your heart is tired/and you're feeling fried don't forget that i am here/i'll meet you at the light. i'll meet you at the light.
8.
i think you're mad because you can't fool me i think you're mad because you can't see me honey i feel your heat behind my back but i feel so cold inside you can't melt me. forever is not real when i think of you i'm burning up inside and i can't decide if it's true you are the one who tears me up can't put me back together i think that's what i get for thinking of forever. holding on to nothing, tight this is the end i think i loved you better when you were just a friend i ought to be grown up about a love i once cherished but in this drought our love just fell and died and it just perished.
9.
am i whats wrong with us/am i whats wrong with us and all the games i used to play never meant much/and thinking that you were to blame when i was outta touch/its wrong for me to say these things/to love you then just walk away/to leave ya when you needed me/its not the game i wanna play who woulda thought that i'd be back here/begging right in front ya door/telling you you needed more/who woulda thought i'd be back here/tellin you to hold on/when i was screaming let go am i whats wrong with us/am i whats wrong with us said "oh i know you need to change, but this ain't enough/you want some peace, believe that you can be loved/it's wrong to go and think these things/that you were never worth a thing/to cry alone and hide in shame/it's not the you, you need today" who woulda thought you'd be screaming right back/"yes i know i need to change/but you need to do the same"/who woulda thought i'd be back here/yelling fighting right back/you and i we need that am i whats wrong with us/am i whats wrong with us
10.
at least i never loved you like he loved you/i don't have room for embarrassment in me/anymore than a wicked tongue and a complaint/i never wore your sweater the way they did/seems to me like all the pain isn't worth it/but why do i keep coming back/my brain won't take another second but my heart/is searching for a way to let you in but i won't cos im not foolish/no i won't go and do this to MYSELF/i love me more than i could ever need this so i won't cos ive been thru this/here's the door/i wont leave it open anymore at least i never knew you like he did/said so easily so what's the problem/impressions don't much no more to me/everyone they look the same still/i never knew your lips the way they did/lucky cos it seems like it's too much/a crumb it falls a cookie in a jar/my hands they crumble when they know that you're not far/so go go go get the hell away but you won't tho ur not foolish/think you're hiding but you'd do this/it's a shame you couldn't ever need this and you won't cos you've been thru this/show me the door/i won't fall anymore oh can you say goodbye/but can you say goodbye losin myself cos i just dont know what to say
11.
Mister hold the paper/ive got a letter to send it’s a quarter past due but/I think its okay it’s a list of apologies I have to make/to the rest of the lovers ive sent away and a few more pages of the things I did/and the things I’d like to make up for Empty pages sent through the mail/I’ve got nothing to say to you no apologies/I did my best/cos you’re probably the best I could do no sense in making a big ol mess/of a little thing like you and me no apologies/we did our best/we’ve got no time for sorries/sorry (not) Break the piñata/crack it all open all the sweetness falls down but/I got none in me so pretty on the outside broken on the inside/and im a mess on the floor a flawed design we’re running out of time/so let me write this all down Ooh I been nothing but kind/im losing my mind you can’t take it all back/not ready to unpack the things I’ve locked away in my mind
12.
Cyanide (II) (free) 05:23
after the first time i should have let go, but im stubborn, didn't know/ what to do. thought i had you, but we were untrue, unfaithful, couldnt't/ handle the waters. drowning in your love, don't taste better than the/ cyanide in my lungs. how sad that you wasted this love when it was ripe and ready, you/ can't carry a heart this heavy and ask not to/ fall. and on the church steps, sing hallelujah, you don't believe in god, it / (hallelujah) meant nothing to ya. you love your love, but you had enough, the hymns they hold you to your / words. me too,/ i think i had enough, i think i must have saw your love for what/ it/ was. my loneliness ain't killing me, but darling i think you done your job/ you're doin better than what it's done to /me. i remember, i, i, i remember my first love. /oh i remember my first love. way it felt to, fall apart and strum the strings of an unsung/ truth. oh, no it won't, leave me /alone no more. i'm stuck on a ride that don't wanna let me off,/ i'd jump but i don't wanna/ hurt myself. so many things that you wanna hold on to i guess im saying you dont have to/ stay if there was something i could deny from you, its that the world aint ready for another/ broken heart let you go, i don't need anouther/ pound on my shoulder. guess now we're like bulls in china shops/ can't control this we're out of luck. i wanna know, what i was holding on to. (2x)
13.
#winning 03:33
everyone's a winner yeah/when nobody loses and its such a good morning/such a good evening/to get in the way of that the price is the moment/and the way you're looking at me i'm winning/and so are you i'm winning/the world's my prize and i'm taking it home/tonight so hold onto someone/and break the ice cos it's such a good feeling/such a good morning/so get out while you can in the heat of the moment/the way that you're looking at me oh it sends my ears ringing/sends my heart singing/i'll get in the way of that
14.
out here in the west/we do it different we step on your toes/who cares if you cry bigger better confident/who cares if its an accident did anybody see/it's fine cos you're with me oh it feels better when we get together/under the palm tree who cares if it's not real/ this is how we feel sunset boulevard chillin with electric cars/highway drivin fast, higher than the last/(last time)last time we were here we go smooth and slow/we get on highs and lows/we sleep then we get up again/go blow up a kitchen watch the new kid scene/go to the pho's right on 15th/right down the avenue/we'll come get you too west coast we got you saying/hmmmmm hmmmmm hmmmmm east coast you must think im playing/hmmmmm hmmmm hmmmmm what's kid like me here thinkin/hmmmm hmmmm hmmmmm the sun is in my bones and that's the way it goes out here in the west/we get fucked up with some confidence we step on your toes/we dont have regrets bigger better confident/who care if we just dont make sense can't anybody see/we're runnin low on (e)
15.
all i need you to do/god i want you to come thru say a prayer for how we feel/so i know that its real preaching on my knees/to someone who wont listen wont appease me/darling you don't need me heard you're breaking your back/god you're building a house ever think of me/can we work this out oh im wishing now that i didnt set you free/pushed and pulled you crazy/now you're far from me/layin in my bed/ tryna get you out my head/but its true im stuck on you/wishin pullin your walls down/but we're just busy fuckin around/oh baby can we work this out ran into your best friend/asked her how you were doing said you're better of without me/i must agree guess i had enough/the last time we spoke hit you with my best shot/told you/you weren't the one/baby you weren't the one said your hallelujah/then you thought of what it meant to ya got me thinkin that we'll work this out can we work this out
16.
Girlz 05:40
all the girls out on the dance floor put your hands up if you want some more... more love, cos what you got ain't enough, they don't appreciate you, don't think their love through you're a treasure. and i know that you, got more to those moves, the way you hypnotise the world to fall between your eyes. simply level with you, i think you're too true for a love that won't treat you like you're the queen of their hearts, cos i think you are. i bet the first step is admitting you got a problem second step is losin trust before you even got e the thing is another couple steps more you'd have fallen and you don't want that, nobody wants that cause falling's harder when you got no place to land, and i think you don't understand that love's the worst you when you can't forget him or even her, cos that's the brain doin problem solving another 99, you're losin an eye, and the future's lookin grim and you don't want that, yeah sure you wear a lot of black, but it's harder to blend in with the crowd, but you dont want to either, god just take a breather. all the girls out on the dance floor put your hands up if you want some more... more love, cos what you got ain't enough, they don't appreciate you, don't think their love through you're a treasure. walkin on water, you're a go getter, a jet setter baby you set my heart a flame. simply put, i think the water flows just against your waist it don't wanna go away i think it wants you bad, like i do. yeah you get used to maybe even bruised by it just don't think it's magic when you can't forget it bodies flushed and thrown against the cabinet i dont think it's love but what do i know, for all i care love is just a figment of my extremely overactive imagination, to bruise a nation. impeach the president, they scream, but focus on what's inbetween your fingers clasped against the gated screen can't reach nothing but a broken dream of love affairs, teacher's chairs, pretending that there's something there when nothing's even close to what you felt when you imagined it. and boys don't think i forgot you, no i never forgot you but this song's not about you maybe the next one, so have some fun but dont do it on my blessing, i think you could use some dressing down stepping down, you don't own this heart no more i'd say i'm sorry but i won't mean it. i've sang plenty for you, screamed for you, maybe a name or two and i still want you, and there's plenty more where you came from but boys you have to understand, you're not in this band of one. so i guess in your case, you a right or a lefty, cos there's your fun. (repeat first verse) all the girls out on the dance floor put your hands up if you want some more... more love, cos what you got ain't enough, they don't appreciate you, don't think their love through you're a treasure. and i know that you, got more to those moves, the way you hypnotise the world to fall between your eyes. simply level with you, i think you're too true for a love that won't treat you like you're the queen of their hearts, cos i think you are. this is where the fun ends, don't know where it begins though i think i saw you in a dream about a week ago? was it a nightmare bout a bleeding heart, i don't know leona lewis sing me out i think i have your blessing, i'm on the ground and there's someone undressing.
17.
Here's where the confidence falls flat and makes you come back to things you never wanna see again makes you feel like you're not used to it go and get confused by it cos it was never made for you anyway baby, things get so impersonal so fast one day you thought it was gonna last baby, things get so emotional next thing you know you're out of control what's next (don't tell me, i don't think i wanna know) what's next (oooh) keep saying things are gonna change and baby for the better just keep lying to yourself. fixing what ain't broken leave your heart wide open fixin just to make it fall apart baby, things are getting harder winds gonna tear us both apart baby, things are gonna break next thing we know, we're out of control baby, things get so impersonal so fast one day you thought it was gonna last baby, things get so emotional next thing you know you're out of control
18.
goodnight goodnight goodnight sleep tight sleep tight i will be doin alright its fine its fine its fine its fine when i laye my head down i know its a good time good time good time to say goodbye goodbye goodbye melody its been a good life so goodnight goodnight goodnight its alright its alright

about

"O! Scar on My Heart" has been in the works since December 2014 and tells a story of graduating from a feeling, growing, then finding yourself at a total and complete loss when it comes to what you're going to do next.

This album is a compilation of music from three projects that I've been working on since 2014. YngDrk, Jan Dulay, and O! Scar on My Heart, are three separate bands/groups that I've been working on since 2014 but were not able to pursue further due to schedule conflict. These songs from December 2014 all the way up to early May 2016, show my growth as a musician and as a person. I'm glad to finally share my music with you and to find out what you think of all of it. Think of this album as my senior year album! I'm actually for real graduating now and it's thanks to all of you who have helped me through an education of a lifetime. It comes from a darker and heavier part of my heart and I look forward to sharing this music with all of you and hearing your feedback. I hope that this piece finds you and holds you as tight as I held these words in my heart.

"O! Scar on My Heart" is organised to tell a story, rather than to show chronological order. You can check out the date I wrote each song by clicking on the song itself!

credits

released May 29, 2016

I'd like to thank everyone for the support since 2012. Thank you for downloading my music, sharing it with your friends/family/frenemies, and listening to it. Thank you to the person who inspired GRAD for helping me create a space in my head that was full of contemplation and sadness. It was worth it just to grow into this new person. You helped to open up my mind and believe in myself again.

Thank you to my parents and my brothers.

Vocals/Instruments/Arrangements/Lyrics - Jancine Dulay

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Jan Dulay San Francisco, California

JD is a musician, sound engineer/designer, from the Bay Area. They do not make a lot of music anymore but are trying to write the musicial living in their head.

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