O! Scar on My Heart

by Jan Dulay

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"O! Scar on My Heart" has been in the works since December 2014 and tells a story of graduating from a feeling, growing, then finding yourself at a total and complete loss when it comes to what you're going to do next.

This album is a compilation of music from three projects that I've been working on since 2014. YngDrk, Jan Dulay, and O! Scar on My Heart, are three separate bands/groups that I've been working on since 2014 but were not able to pursue further due to schedule conflict. These songs from December 2014 all the way up to early May 2016, show my growth as a musician and as a person. I'm glad to finally share my music with you and to find out what you think of all of it. Think of this album as my senior year album! I'm actually for real graduating now and it's thanks to all of you who have helped me through an education of a lifetime. It comes from a darker and heavier part of my heart and I look forward to sharing this music with all of you and hearing your feedback. I hope that this piece finds you and holds you as tight as I held these words in my heart.

"O! Scar on My Heart" is organised to tell a story, rather than to show chronological order. You can check out the date I wrote each song by clicking on the song itself!


released May 29, 2016

I'd like to thank everyone for the support since 2012. Thank you for downloading my music, sharing it with your friends/family/frenemies, and listening to it. Thank you to the person who inspired GRAD for helping me create a space in my head that was full of contemplation and sadness. It was worth it just to grow into this new person. You helped to open up my mind and believe in myself again.

Thank you to my parents and my brothers.

Vocals/Instruments/Arrangements/Lyrics - Jancine Dulay



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Jan Dulay San Francisco, California

jan dulay is a band composed of qpoc named jancine. they are pretty nifty on the guitar and you should buy their music.

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Track Name: Untitled #587
If I fall in love/I run the risk of losing you

If I stay afraid/and stay away

I just might do the same/anyway

I don’t trust a heart/that fades so easily

I don’t wanna love someone/that’ll leave.

So if you take my heart/and you run away

I won’t get it back/it’ll fade away

and if I fall in love/tonight

I’ll fall apart/just like sand in the wind.

If I stay the night/I run the risk of staying forever

oh if I stay the night/I’ll stay the same

I will fall in love/it’ll end in flames

No I don’t trust a love/that’ll fade so easily

When you yourself can’t take/that it’ll leave
Track Name: Get Gone [explicit]
save your breath now/this ain't what love/is supposed to be
tell you what sweetheart/this is where we are/thats all itll ever be

i'll break it down for you/this is not me and you/it's me then it's you
don't hit your head on the way out

don't beat your chest hun/it won't get nothing done/get gone any day now
sweetness is dead/i'm out of my head/look at what you've made of me
i'm out of my britches/you're scared of "ol bitches"/you hurt and they're coming after you
Track Name: Go! Go! Go! Away
i'm not angry anymore/i dont think about it like i used to
i dont want it anymore/sending all your friends back to you

don't scream "attack"/don't yell it back
i'm over/i've graduated/from the last/few songs
done screaming "baby don't go/just want you to know/everything/there is to know about me"
instead i'm screaming "go/go/go/away"

i'm not in love anymore/no more rushes to the head
i'm not running anymore/i'm not bleeding black/i've been bleeding red.

don't come back/don't say you want it back
it's over/let's just move on/from the last few songs
done screaming "baby don't go/just want you to know/everything/there is to know about me"
instead i'm screaming "go/go/go/away"

maybe just go/i want you to leave/everything/you've taken from me (2x)
Track Name: dont (i don't wanna hear you) [explicit]
When you wanna call me/don’t/I don’t wanna hear you

it’s not too hard to understand/that I don’t wanna see you

what kind of game do you think I’m playing

when I say no/I mean it/I don’t want this at my door

Don’t/I don’t wanna hear this/don’t wanna hear this

no/it’s too late to be this way/it’s 4 am

stop/tryna make amends/all I hear is the end

don’t wanna be your friend/ don’t wanna be ya friend


When you wanna see me/don’t/it’s not worth the trouble

it’s not too hard to forget/what/I said when we parted

what kind of misunderstanding are we having right now

when I say don’t/I mean it it/I don’t need this anymore


fuck it I don’t want to be this way

Track Name: [READ 11:30]
Said “how you doin?” what’s the best that you can do/I’ve been thinkin bout it lately what did I do

to drive (3x) you away (4 progs)

is this how it oughta be/miles between you and me/I can’t keep up

sad that you meant more to me/I’m wishing that you never did/anything to keep this love

I think ive been driving for too long/where am I going I don’t know/I think I’ve been running away for far

too long

how many miles did I drive/to take you away from my side/I think I’ve running on my own for far too


Haven’t all the tears dried/heaven no they haven’t died/the masterpiece is running right behind my

voice this one I can’t lose

but I’m trying (3x) to keep up

save it for a rainy day/find something else to say/spit it out

maybe this is how it is supposed to be.

Haven’t all the tears dried/heaven no they haven’t died/I still want you by my side/I can’t let it lie
wish someone would tell you/how to take the pain away
wish someone would tell you/how to look over your shoulder
and never look up a name/that you had on your mind
and that hearts will heal/only one at a time

wish someone would tell you/that quiet nights/only cost so much/as the louder ones
and your mind won't stay empty/if you keep thinking about it
and that you should most definitely not/think about it

sometimes you dont get what you want/but you still want it
that the heart will break/and your wounds will flaunt it
cos even if you didnt think it would hurt/well it will
you body doesnt ask what you want/and your heart never will

sometimes your friends wont call back/cos they've taken a side
and silence will be your enemy/and your best friend in a fight
you wish a lot of things/then some will come true
oh but/here's to the most of them/that will never do

so its best that you dont look it up/or find a definition
cos when your heart breaks/and it screams/dissonance in your cognition
you get what you ask for/and what you don't with no permission
and you break but you fall again/like you're in remission

no i dont wanna talk to you/what is there left to say
i dont wanna dwell on this/when/you wouldn't stay
here's the part/where/we choose to restart or just part
the ball's in your court/but i've got a broken heart
when the dogs come near/and you have some fear
don't let go of my hand/i'll lead you through the night

bow your heads in silent night/walk on your feet, with bruising speed
gather your friends/that's all that you need.
reach your hand up to the skies/scream and scream all through the night
the void it listens/listens to your fright.

when the end is near/and you have some fear
don't think about the rest/i'll meet you at the light.


when your heart is tired/and you're feeling fried
don't forget that i am here/i'll meet you at the light.

i'll meet you at the light.
Track Name: FOREVER. MAD.
i think you're mad because you can't fool me
i think you're mad because you can't see me
honey i feel your heat behind my back
but i feel so cold inside you can't melt me.

forever is not real when i think of you
i'm burning up inside and i can't decide if it's true
you are the one who tears me up can't put me back together
i think that's what i get for thinking of forever.

holding on to nothing, tight this is the end
i think i loved you better when you were just a friend
i ought to be grown up about a love i once cherished
but in this drought our love just fell and died and it just perished.
Track Name: who would have thought this is what's wrong with us?
am i whats wrong with us/am i whats wrong with us

and all the games i used to play never meant much/and thinking that you were to blame when i was outta touch/its wrong for me to say these things/to love you then just walk away/to leave ya when you needed me/its not the game i wanna play

who woulda thought that i'd be back here/begging right in front ya door/telling you you needed more/who woulda thought i'd be back here/tellin you to hold on/when i was screaming let go

am i whats wrong with us/am i whats wrong with us
said "oh i know you need to change, but this ain't enough/you want some peace, believe that you can be loved/it's wrong to go and think these things/that you were never worth a thing/to cry alone and hide in shame/it's not the you, you need today"

who woulda thought you'd be screaming right back/"yes i know i need to change/but you need to do the same"/who woulda thought i'd be back here/yelling fighting right back/you and i we need that

am i whats wrong with us/am i whats wrong with us
Track Name: Complaint Number 89
at least i never loved you like he loved you/i don't have room for embarrassment in me/anymore than a wicked tongue and a complaint/i never wore your sweater the way they did/seems to me like all the pain isn't worth it/but why do i keep coming back/my brain won't take another second but my heart/is searching for a way to let you in

but i won't cos im not foolish/no i won't go and do this to MYSELF/i love me more than i could ever need this
so i won't cos ive been thru this/here's the door/i wont leave it open anymore

at least i never knew you like he did/said so easily so what's the problem/impressions don't much no more to me/everyone they look the same still/i never knew your lips the way they did/lucky cos it seems like it's too much/a crumb it falls a cookie in a jar/my hands they crumble when they know that you're not far/so go go go get the hell away

but you won't tho ur not foolish/think you're hiding but you'd do this/it's a shame you couldn't ever need this
and you won't cos you've been thru this/show me the door/i won't fall anymore

oh can you say goodbye/but can you say goodbye

losin myself cos i just dont know what to say
Mister hold the paper/ive got a letter to send

it’s a quarter past due but/I think its okay

it’s a list of apologies I have to make/to the rest of the lovers ive sent away

and a few more pages of the things I did/and the things I’d like to make up for

Empty pages sent through the mail/I’ve got nothing to say to you

no apologies/I did my best/cos you’re probably the best I could do

no sense in making a big ol mess/of a little thing like you and me

no apologies/we did our best/we’ve got no time for sorries/sorry (not)

Break the piñata/crack it all open

all the sweetness falls down but/I got none in me

so pretty on the outside broken on the inside/and im a mess on the floor

a flawed design we’re running out of time/so let me write this all down

Ooh I been nothing but kind/im losing my mind

you can’t take it all back/not ready to unpack the things I’ve locked away in my mind
Track Name: Cyanide (II)
after the first time i should have let go, but im stubborn, didn't know/ what to do.
thought i had you, but we were untrue, unfaithful, couldnt't/ handle the waters.
drowning in your love, don't taste better than the/ cyanide in my lungs.
how sad that you wasted this love when it was ripe and ready,
you/ can't carry a heart this heavy and ask not to/ fall.

and on the church steps, sing hallelujah, you don't believe in god, it / (hallelujah) meant nothing to ya.
you love your love, but you had enough, the hymns they hold you to your / words.
me too,/ i think i had enough, i think i must have saw your love for what/ it/ was.
my loneliness ain't killing me, but darling i think you done your job/
you're doin better than what it's done to /me.

i remember, i, i, i remember my first love. /oh i remember my first love.
way it felt to, fall apart and strum the strings of an unsung/ truth.
oh, no it won't, leave me /alone no more.
i'm stuck on a ride that don't wanna let me off,/
i'd jump but i don't wanna/ hurt myself.

so many things that you wanna hold on to i guess im saying you dont have to/ stay
if there was something i could deny from you, its that the world aint ready for another/ broken heart
let you go, i don't need anouther/ pound on my shoulder.
guess now we're like bulls in china shops/
can't control this we're out of luck.

i wanna know, what i was holding on to. (2x)
Track Name: #winning
everyone's a winner yeah/when nobody loses
and its such a good morning/such a good evening/to get in the way of that
the price is the moment/and the way you're looking at me

i'm winning/and so are you
i'm winning/the world's my prize and i'm taking it home/tonight

so hold onto someone/and break the ice
cos it's such a good feeling/such a good morning/so get out while you can
in the heat of the moment/the way that you're looking at me
oh it sends my ears ringing/sends my heart singing/i'll get in the way of that
Track Name: wEsT COAST! [explicit]
out here in the west/we do it different
we step on your toes/who cares if you cry
bigger better confident/who cares if its an accident
did anybody see/it's fine cos you're with me

oh it feels better when we get together/under the palm tree
who cares if it's not real/ this is how we feel
sunset boulevard chillin with electric cars/highway drivin fast, higher than the last/(last time)last time we were here

we go smooth and slow/we get on highs and lows/we sleep then we get up again/go blow up a kitchen
watch the new kid scene/go to the pho's right on 15th/right down the avenue/we'll come get you too

west coast we got you saying/hmmmmm hmmmmm hmmmmm
east coast you must think im playing/hmmmmm hmmmm hmmmmm
what's kid like me here thinkin/hmmmm hmmmm hmmmmm
the sun is in my bones and that's the way it goes

out here in the west/we get fucked up with some confidence
we step on your toes/we dont have regrets
bigger better confident/who care if we just dont make sense
can't anybody see/we're runnin low on (e)
Track Name: hypothetical drunken thoughts [explicit]
all i need you to do/god i want you to come thru
say a prayer for how we feel/so i know that its real
preaching on my knees/to someone who wont listen
wont appease me/darling you don't need me

heard you're breaking your back/god you're building a house
ever think of me/can we work this out

oh im wishing now that i didnt set you free/pushed and pulled you crazy/now you're far from me/layin in my bed/ tryna get you out my head/but its true im stuck on you/wishin pullin your walls down/but we're just busy fuckin around/oh baby can we work this out

ran into your best friend/asked her how you were doing
said you're better of without me/i must agree
guess i had enough/the last time we spoke
hit you with my best shot/told you/you weren't the one/baby you weren't the one

said your hallelujah/then you thought of what it meant to ya
got me thinkin that we'll work this out

can we work this out
Track Name: Girlz
all the girls out on the dance floor put your hands up if you want some more...
more love, cos what you got ain't enough, they don't appreciate you, don't think their love through you're a treasure.
and i know that you, got more to those moves, the way you hypnotise the world to fall between your eyes.
simply level with you, i think you're too true for a love that won't treat you like you're the queen of their hearts, cos i think you are.

i bet the first step is admitting you got a problem
second step is losin trust before you even got e
the thing is another couple steps more you'd have fallen
and you don't want that, nobody wants that cause falling's harder when you got no place to land, and i think you don't understand
that love's the worst you when you can't forget him
or even her, cos that's the brain doin problem solving
another 99, you're losin an eye, and the future's lookin grim
and you don't want that, yeah sure you wear a lot of black, but it's harder to blend in with the crowd, but you dont want to either, god just take a breather.

all the girls out on the dance floor put your hands up if you want some more...
more love, cos what you got ain't enough, they don't appreciate you, don't think their love through you're a treasure.
walkin on water, you're a go getter, a jet setter baby you set my heart a flame.
simply put, i think the water flows just against your waist it don't wanna go away i think it wants you bad, like i do.

yeah you get used to maybe even bruised by it
just don't think it's magic when you can't forget it
bodies flushed and thrown against the cabinet
i dont think it's love but what do i know, for all i care love is just a figment of my extremely overactive imagination, to bruise a nation.
impeach the president, they scream, but focus on what's inbetween
your fingers clasped against the gated screen
can't reach nothing but a broken dream
of love affairs, teacher's chairs, pretending that there's something there when nothing's even close to what you felt when you imagined it.

and boys don't think i forgot you, no i never forgot you
but this song's not about you maybe the next one, so have some fun
but dont do it on my blessing, i think you could use some dressing down
stepping down, you don't own this heart no more i'd say i'm sorry but i won't mean it.
i've sang plenty for you, screamed for you, maybe a name or two
and i still want you, and there's plenty more where you came from
but boys you have to understand, you're not in this band of one.
so i guess in your case, you a right or a lefty, cos there's your fun. (repeat first verse)

all the girls out on the dance floor put your hands up if you want some more...
more love, cos what you got ain't enough, they don't appreciate you, don't think their love through you're a treasure.
and i know that you, got more to those moves, the way you hypnotise the world to fall between your eyes.
simply level with you, i think you're too true for a love that won't treat you like you're the queen of their hearts, cos i think you are.

this is where the fun ends, don't know where it begins though
i think i saw you in a dream about a week ago?
was it a nightmare bout a bleeding heart, i don't know
leona lewis sing me out i think i have your blessing, i'm on the ground and there's someone undressing.
Track Name: CONFIDENCE!!!
Here's where the confidence falls flat
and makes you come back
to things you never wanna see again
makes you feel like you're not used to it
go and get confused by it
cos it was never made for you anyway

baby, things get so impersonal so fast
one day you thought it was gonna last
baby, things get so emotional
next thing you know you're out of control

what's next (don't tell me, i don't think i wanna know)
what's next (oooh)

keep saying things are gonna change and
baby for the better
just keep lying to yourself.
fixing what ain't broken
leave your heart wide open
fixin just to make it fall apart

baby, things are getting harder
winds gonna tear us both apart
baby, things are gonna break
next thing we know, we're out of control

baby, things get so impersonal so fast
one day you thought it was gonna last
baby, things get so emotional
next thing you know you're out of control
Track Name: Goodbye, U.S.A
goodnight goodnight goodnight
sleep tight sleep tight
i will be doin alright
its fine its fine its fine its fine
when i laye my head down i know
its a good time good time good time
to say
goodbye goodbye goodbye
its been a good life
so goodnight goodnight goodnight
its alright
its alright